Free Mrs. Andrew Klavan

I simply could not let this one get away. Thank you, Glenn Greenwald, for bringing this disgusting post to the attention of those who would never in a million years bother to read a pathetic little boy like Andrew Klavan.

Greenwald quotes Klavan's recent evaluation of The Hangover as follows (emphasis mine):

A lot of critics get all huffy about this depiction of the sexes - read the silly little fellow who wrote the review in the New York Times by way of example. The standard line seems to be to blame it all on childish filmmakers pandering to adolescent audiences. But you know what? I suspect a lot of it is simple realism. More and more often I meet young guys just like this: overgrown kids who are their grim wives’ poodles. They sheepishly talk about getting a “pink pass,” or a “kitchen pass,” before they can leave the house. They can’t do this or that because their wives don’t like it. They “share” household and child-rearing tasks equally - which isn’t really equal at all because they don’t care about a clean house or a well-reared child anywhere near as much as their wives do. In short, each one seems set to spend his life taking orders from a perpetually dissatisfied Mrs. who sounds to me - forgive me but just speaking in all honesty - like a bloody shrike. Who can blame these poor shnooks if they go out and get drunk or laid or just plain divorced?

I’m the old-fashioned King of the Castle type: my wife knew it when she married me, she knows it now, and she knows where the door is if she gets sick of it. And you can curse me or consign me to Feminist Hell or whatever you want to do. But when you’re done, answer me this: why would a man get married under any other circumstances? I’m serious. What’s in it for him? I mean, marriage is a large sacrifice for a man. He gives up his right to sleep with a variety of partners, which is as basic an urge in men as having children is in women. He takes on responsibilities which will probably curtail both his work and his social life. If he doesn’t also acquire authority, gravitas, respect and, yes, mastery over his own home, what does he get? Companionship? Hey, stay single, dude, you’ll have a lot more money, and then you can buy companionship.

All right, I know, I’m a mean old man. But I’ve also been blissfully married for 30 years to a woman who wakes up singing. I think some of these young guys have been sold a bill of goods, I really do. I think they’ve been told what they’re supposed to be like and have sacrificed what they are like. Maybe their marriages are more “fair” than mine but just looking at them, I think they’re miserable. And I suspect, deep down, their wives are probably miserable too.

If you ask me, they’d be better off staying in Vegas.

Holy, freakin' crap, are you kidding me? What a wonderful life for a woman - "my way or the highway, bitch." Oh, but I guess he's given his wife what she really wants (his majestic sperm, of course), so that she can fulfill her "basic ... urge" of "having children."

My incredulity knows no bounds.

Greenwald pithily points out that big bad tough guy war hawks like Klavan are usually encouraging other people (including the women they so clearly detest) to go die in foreign countries for them. They wouldn't demean themselves by actually doing the fighting they're so keen to promote.

And God forbid such important, manly men should be expected to do anything so petty as actually want to get married because they're in love with someone, or respect their fellow human beings, even the lady ones.

I say, with all due respect, good luck, Mr. Klavan, I wish you all your just deserts.