Are You a Bad Mother?

I listened to Terry Gross's interview with Ayelet Waldman, the woman who infamously wrote that she loved her husband more than her children (in a far more nuanced way, of course), and it stirred up all the fears and anxieties I have regarding motherhood.  It is more than worth a listen, not the least because Waldman's opinion of why you should love your husband more (or at least as much) as your children is an important counter-point to the beatific mother-as-jesus sacrificial figure we're inundated with, but also because she very painstakingly and painfully describes she and her husband's (author Michael Chabon) decision to abort their 4-month old baby boy after learning that he had a genetic precondition that might have resulted in his being born mentally retarded.

Except, it might not have.

What on earth are women to do in the face of choices like these?  How on earth are we supposed to make decisions like this?  Are we equipped to counteract what Waldman openly calls her own "cowardice" in the face of all that would be involved in caring for a disabled child.  "Our entire lives would have changed" she says, to which I reply almost instinctively, "well isn't that selfish!" Your life might have changed, therefore this child doesn't have the right to live?

My point here isn't to say that Waldman did the wrong thing.  My point is that it's impossible to say whether Waldman did the right or wrong thing because it's impossible to know whether her child would have been born disabled, or not, and it's impossible to know how their lives would have actually changed because of their son's (dis)abilities.

For God's sake, isn't pregnancy terrifying enough without throwing this Sophie's Choice into the mix?  Is it better to save a child years of a painful existence, or to let nature (or God, if you happen to believe in God) take its course, having faith that you are not being given more than you can handle - or, is it better to eliminate the chance of suffering even when you're also potentially eliminating the chance of a perfectly healthy life?

So, great.  Where does this leave us?  Stranded, that's where.  Stranded in a sea of choices, with plenty of "experts" on either side to tell us which is the right decision, and plenty of feel-good optimists on either side also telling you that you should just "do what you feel is right."

Thanks.  That's the problem, isn't it?  Knowing what is right?  Isn't that one of the most persistent and intractable problems of human existence - deciding what is right and convincing ourselves to do it?  Is it wrong to even tempt ourselves with these choices?  The problem of technologies such as these is that once they're available, it's impossible to take them back again.  You can't close that box once it's been opened, Pandora.  

And so we add another chip to the pile stacking up against ever making us feel that we are good enough to our children, our spouses, our society.  I guess things were just getting a little too rosy now that women and children were only occasionally dying during childbirth/infancy.

Embittered I remain until next time.